First True Love in YA

Yesterday, while playing around on the shiny Internet instead of writing, I saw a quote that I agreed with which basically said that being a teenager is a time to figure out who you should be, not who you should be with. Cool, I thought. It's very true. Much of the scaffold for the personality you will have the remainder of your life begins to sort itself out during your adolescent years.

But then the quote went on to, in essence, claim that your first love is not the one that will last. This person got lots of "Dude, you're dead on!" and "That's so true!" Okay. Cool.

Maybe it was just me, and I admit I was in a cantankerous mood yesterday because of the migraine of doom and destruction, but the tone of the quote felt condescending. Like, "This absolutely cannot happen and if you think the guy you date at 16 is the one you'll be with at 36, you're dense and living in a dream world."

Well, guess what? The guy I dated at 16 IS the guy I'm with now that I'm closing in on 31 years old. We've been married since I was 19. Huzzah!

He was my first love, my true love. Sure, there were other little puppy lovies, the boys who flipped notes to me in religion class or held my hand in the hallway between classes. But the first boy who took me on dates, who made me feel like I meant something special to him, that is the guy I married. I wanted to grow into my own person...but with him at my side.

It's rare but not all that rare. I can think of at least 10 couple friends of mine who dated in high school and are still together now. No, it hasn't always been roses and sunshine. No, the love isn't the same "My heart stops for you" infatuation that it was when new. But what it is, what matters, is the love has matured into something more encompassing than, "I hope he thinks of me when he hears this song." My husband and I, since we began dating, have had rough patches. We lost my parents, moved away, dealt with unhappiness in work, gone back to school, had children, had health problems with my pregnancies, dealt with depression and anxiety disorders. We also had some high-flying, kick ass times, too. Because of the same groundwork that went into developing our personalities as teenagers, we also had the groundwork in our relationship to not let those hardships pull us apart. Kids are capable of knowing what they want from life, you know.

I look at his now 33 year-old face and still see the 18-year-old who drove me around the countryside in the dark while we listened to The Doors on his car stereo. I also have gotten to see that boy lose the dark, brooding edge that first drew me to him and become a gentle father holding his first-born child.

It grates on me when I see sweeping proclamations that the true love exemplified in YA lit is unachievable to teens. I've spoken to my agent about it because I do tend to write YA love relationships with the assumption that it will last beyond high school. That was my experience, and I write what I know. Maybe it wasn't the experience of the person who said young love cannot last. Probably not if she's saying that. But don't denigrate those who did find that love when young. Don't say it's not valid or merely the result of special circumstances. Some kids honestly do have the emotional wherewithal to make it work. Not all of them, naturally, but not so few that those who do make it work are freakish. Some say they are offended by this idea that the first boy a girl falls in love could possibly be the one she's with for a lifetime. To me, it's offensive to say that it's doomed simply because of one's age. Because you just don't know that for certain.

And what is YA lit without a little uncertainty?

Maybe I'm a sap. Maybe I believe in hope and the will of people to pull together and stick it out when the going gets tough. What do you think? What are your favorite portrayals of love in YA lit? Are they couples you think could last or are they a temporary thing to be enjoyed for now and later a fond memory at best?